Revised, confirmed and aproved by Lord&Master

10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter 

via 

If anyone knows who created this pearl of wisdom, please let me know, to put up the tribute. I've sen someone tributing parts of it to W.Bruce Cameron. If so: people, this is W.Bruce Cameron's brilliant insight! If not, let me know whose is it.

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. Permanently.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete morons. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
I Understand, that you are of an oppinion, that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless omnipresent God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside or even linger on the doorstep. Remebmer: the camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Global warming...

Strici meteorologi so povedali....

Global warming my foot.

Zakaj sem junija v bundi? Strici meteorologi pravijo, da je vse tako kot mora biti, ampak mene še vedno zebe. Mogoče si mraz samo domišljam. In to, da imajo na Kredarici sneg do strehe je tudi zarota kapitalističnih/komunističnih/črnih/ (po potrebi vstavi) lobijev.

(V resnici imajo 25 stopinj in šajbo, sneg so pa samo pred kamero navozil, da ne bi turisti gor lazl.)

Facepalm. Again.

kako rečeš tistmu... tistmu.... k  poštartaš sredi gužve pred enim avtom  čez cesto(izven prehoda za pešče, itaq?!?), elegantn ko gazelca, nakar sredi skokca ugotoviš, da ti je balerinka ostala sredi ceste, ti si pa že na uni strani, z eno boso nogico, ki te žalostno gleda ven iz najlonke.....?

here

Do you know the one, when you start across the street (jaywalking, certainly?!?), elegantly, in a gazelle-like manner, only to discover in mid-jump, that your ballet-flat has been left behing in the middle of the street, with you on the curb, one bare foot gloomily peeking out of the stocking?

Frišna tala šalce. Zastojn!

Na Frišnemnovemjutru! GIVEAWAY! Đabe! Un sonst! Baje tudi, če nimate zelo radi Buldožerjev.

Education

A MUST READ from SG Teach



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
 
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

In the spirit of the day....

odtukaj

Horoscope newsflash.

Important! The stars press release:
Do not, I repeat: do NOT try to sort fish at your local fismonger's alphabetically. Try to resist the urge even if at the time it seems to you 'it will make him a happy person'.

Horoskop dneva

Danes se bo izkazalo, da je vaš najboljši prijatelj majhen krožniček, ki ga soseda uporablja za odlaganje čajnih vrečk. Obiščite ga in mu izkažite spoštovanje, občudovanje in ljubezen, saj je na svetu  le malo tako iskrenih prijateljev.
Novo leto se je začelo stresno, zato se odpočijte in sprostite: vzemite si čas in se na veliko potrebo odpravite z visoko literaturo. A pozor, berite kaj lepega, recimo o Damjanu Murku in otrocih slovenskih nadobu(n)dnih estradnic imenovanih s preprostimi slovenskimi imeni kot so Xafrineya in Agroflinbha ter Ozgirej. Branje dnevnega časopisja bi vas utegnilo spraviti na urgenco s simptomi kronične griže...
Konec tedna bo primeren za začetek diete. Kot najučinkovitejša se zadnje čase priporoča dieta z tekočim divodikovim oksidom. Z njim se zamenja vse vnose hrane, vodo pa se omeji na le najnujnejše. (dieta je verjetno bliže ljudem, ki jih veselijo osnove kemijskih znanosti). Prevelike količine substance lahko akutno vplivajo na ledvičn funkcijo, zato po pameti in previdno.
Danes je primeren dan, da se skrijete za kupom snega na avtobusni postaji in na glas berete iz 'Moj ata socialistični kulak', če posebno dele '...to ni od sestankov, to je od miličnika Edeja' in 'Ti zaj neboš več Olga, ti boš zaj Volga' ter 'Zaj ko je mir, bomo jedli samo krompir'. Če imate otroke, si vzemite čas, skupaj z njimi naredite iglu na dvorišču, vanj odnesite deko in svečko, nato pa jim berite Krst pri Savici, dokler vas ne prosijo za milost. Kazen mora biti vzgojna!

It't joy and happines that I spread...

odtu

New year's resolutions

from here